


The Belief in Kindness and Miracles

by Kasket



Series: Beliefs and Secrets [1]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, F/M, M/M, Pynch Secret Santa 2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 10:51:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9068440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kasket/pseuds/Kasket
Summary: Adam never thinks anything special of Christmas, just another day in the year. He doesn’t hate Christmas. He also doesn’t find himself combating the holiday slump, like many of his coworkers, by blaring Christmas music on full blast, donning Santa hats, and making promises of home to patients. In a hospital, people live, and people die. Christmas is like any other day of the year; people live, and people die.For those of you who like hospital AUS with ghosts, classic British literature, palm kissing, and Tad Carruthers.





	

**_December 18th Morning_ **

_“‘I cannot bear it’ He turned upon the Ghost, and seeing that it looked upon him with a face, in which in some strange way there were fragments of all the faces it had shown him, wrestled with it. “‘Leave me! Take me back. Haunt me no longer!’”_

Adam pauses and rereads the passage quietly to himself. For a classic Christmas tale, this novel feels dreary and melancholy. Adam is certain that this would be the very last book that he would ever want someone reading to him in a hospital. However, Henry suggests it. When Adam privately admits that he doesn't  know the story, Henry adamantly demands that they read it. And the Christmas season provides the special opportunity to do so.

“We’re going to take a small break. I hope you don’t mind.” No reply. That is to be expected.

Reading for so long has left his mouth dry. So Adam marks his place in the book and quietly shuts it.  He takes a few quick sips of water before he opens the book back up.

“Now, where were we?”

“Get out of here Adam while you can. Quick, before someone puts you to work!” Adam swivels in his chair to find Henry slumped against the doorway. He looks exhausted. Adam feels certain that he appears just as exhausted as Henry. Despite the dark and heavy bags under his eyes, Henry still wears a gleeful smirk, and his eyes twinkle with a hint of mischief.

“Huh?”

“Your shift ended ten minutes ago.” Adam looks down at the novel. They are so close, but Ronan is probably waiting on him.

“We’re so close to finishing the chapter.” Henry’s smirk grows wider,  irritating Adam.

“So, you like it?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Don’t be a Scrooge, Adam.”

“Fuck you, Henry.”

“Not in front of the children, Parrish.” Henry gestures to the motionless body lying next to Adam. Looking between the Joe Doe on the hospital bed and Henry, Adam frowns.

“Let’s be honest, Henry. He’s probably thinking the same thing whenever you’re in the room with him.” Henry laughs quietly, stepping further into the room until he is standing next to Adam’s chair. He glances down at John Doe’s body with practiced nonchalance. However, Adam Parrish isn’t fooled.  Henry scrutinizes for signs that things are looking less grim, but John Doe’s skin still appears dry, dark, and sunken, especially under his eyes.

“Let’s be honest, Parrish. You and I are the best interns here that take care of him. “ He can’t argue with that.

“ Carruthers doesn’t do anything. He’s developing pressure sores again that need to be treated. Not to mentioned that I couldn’t find any information to explain why he’s getting so dehydrated so quickly. The rate is alarming. ” Adam says quietly.

“Nothing came up in the blood work?” Henry asks to which Adam responds by shaking his head

“Fuck,” Henry swears. Adam watches Henry’s brows furrow in frustration as he sighs deeply.  

They were warned. Three months ago, at the beginning of their intern year, they were all warned that the Christmas Season at Cabeswater Memorial Hospital is the toughest time of the year.  Studies have shown that statically more people die this time of year than any other. The depressing fact has dwindled the morale in the hospital more than ever.

Adam never thinks anything special of Christmas, just another day in the year. He doesn’t hate Christmas. He also doesn’t find himself combating the holiday slump, like many of his coworkers, by blaring Christmas music on full blast, donning Santa hats, and making promises of home to patients. In a hospital, people live, and people die. Christmas is like any other day of the year; people live, and people die.

Adam has grown attached to their John Doe, a coma patient, who has been assigned to him since working at Cabeswater, along with two other interns (Carruthers and Cheng). And therefore, Adam feels a certain obligation to this patient. Adam senses his fighter spirit, and this attracts Adam because, more than anything, he knows what it means to survive. He doesn't know why Henry is so fascinated with him too. Nor does Adam asks.

“But really, you should go.” Adam looks up at the clock. Shit, fifteen minutes has passed since his shift ended. Henry raises a dark eyebrow before a sly smirk curves on his lips.  Adam groans in response.

“Wouldn’t want to keep lover boy waiting…”

“Stop. Just stop.” Laughter leaves Henry’s lips. Adam glances down at the novel in his own hands.  Henry doesn’t miss the small action.

“Where did you leave off in your chapter?”

“I’m at the very end. The Ghost of Christmas past is vanishing.” Henry offers to read Adam’s chapter.

“I’ll finish the rest for you.”  Adam frowns before glancing up at the clock. He wants to be the one that finishes the Ghost of Christmas Past section with John Doe. However, Adam feels exhausted from the long shift at the hospital. Henry doesn't wait for Adam as he quickly finds the spot where Adam leaves off and continues.

Adam can still hear Henry reading as he walks down the long hallway.

_“In the struggle, if that can be called a struggle in which the Ghost with no visible resistance on its own part was undisturbed by any effort of its adversary, Scrooge observed that its light was burning high and bright…”_

 

**_December 18th Morning_ **

Ronan's sleek BMW remains in Cabewater’s parking lot. Adam climbs in and presses a quick peck on Ronan’s lips.

“I’m sorry. I lost track of time.”

“I get it. There’s not enough time in the world for Dr. Parrish to save the world and shit.”  A soft grin curls on Adam’s lips. Not so secretly, he finds it sexy when Ronan addresses him as Dr. Parrish.  Before Adam can teasingly respond, Ronan shoves a warm thermos in his hands.

“What is this?”

“It’s not poison. Just drink it for fuck’s sakes, Parrish.”

“Saying it’s not poison only makes me more suspicious”

“Asshole.” Ronan starts up the car. As Adam puts the thermos to his lips, the rich taste of warm nutmeg and sweet vanilla fills his mouth.

Ronan goes out of his way to make coffee for him and insists on picking him up from every hospital shift despite the fact that Adam argues that he has a solid understanding of the DC Metro system. He should be grateful. He should say thank you, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Small acts of kindness render him speechless and uncomfortable.  Ronan gives so freely. A concept that Adam struggles to wrap his mind around. In his particular case, Adam has quickly learned that nothing comes without a cost, and kindness is a rarity.

When they arrive at the apartment, Adam isn’t surprised to find Gansey awake so early, working at his desk. Adam glances over at Gansey’s bed, noticing how the lump of blankets on his bed steadily rise and fall.

“You’re back.” Gansey greets them quietly yet cheerfully before he looks up from his small replica of DC that he paints for long nights when sleep does not come easy. Both Ronan and Gansey have issues sleeping. And Adam...well. Life as a doctor is a lot less glamorous and heroic than the television paints it. He barely sleeps. When he has the time, Adam usually spends it studying for the next hospital rounds or researching symptoms and diagnosis for his patients. Occasionally he fits heated kisses with Ronan, power naps, and coffee into his schedule.

“How was work at the hospital?”

Peeling off his coat and hanging it up on their coat rack, Adam responds.

“Exhausting, they had me in intensive care for a while. A shattered skull. Seven burn victims. Two O.D.’s. Too many shootings to cou-” Adam is promptly interrupted by a resounding groan, heavy with sleep. It draws his attention to the lump of blankets that shifts slowly on Gansey’s bed causing it to creak and groan.

“Can we not have this conversation in Gansey’s bedroom?” The lump of blankets speaks, it’s voice raspy and thick from sleep.

“You realize that this is also the living room too?” Adam asks, to which a pillow flies at him in response. Ronan grins slyly as he approaches the bed.

“Rise and fucking shine, Maggot.”

“No.” Another pillow flies, and Ronan successfully catches it before he throws himself on top of the mass of blankets. There is a shriek and then a struggle. Both Gansey and Adam watch as Blue and Ronan tussle with pillows, reluctant to step in.

“Parrish, get in here and defend my honor,” Ronan says when Blue has him pinned to the mattress.

“What honor?” Adam snorts. A hand reaches out and tugs sharply on his shirt causing him to fall on top of both Blue and Ronan in Gansey’s bed, all three in a fit of laughter.

“Should I be affronted that my girlfriend didn’t entreat me to defend her honor?” The laughter stops, and Gansey receives an arctic and withering glare from said girlfriend

“Then again, Blue is more than capable of taking care of herself.” He quickly backtracks resuming to painting the Jefferson Memorial. Blue’s gaze doesn’t soften.

“Thin fucking ice, Dick.” She tells him before she looks over at Adam.

“I assumed that the hospital didn’t crumble and collapse without me being there.”

“Almost, but we managed a few hours without Nurse Sargent. Barely.” Adam jests dryly as he rests his head comfortably in Ronan’s lap. Instinctively, Ronan lifts his hand to weave his fingers through Adam’s hair as he draws light patterns on his scalp.

“We still can’t find out why John Doe is getting so alarmingly dehydrated either.” At the mention of John Doe, everyone’s attention goes squarely to Adam. John Doe is often a topic of interest in the Gansey-Parrish-Lynch-and occasionally Sargent household.

“That doesn’t sound good. It’s been seven years, Adam, and no one has claimed him. Do you think-” Adam refuses to let Blue finish the statement.

“They wouldn’t.” He says firmly. “John Doe provides a perfect study for doctors on coma patients. Dr. Milo vowed to keep him alive until they found someone to claim him. Even if that means they could have given a room to someone who could afford it.”

“But Child,”

“I trust Dr. Milo.” Adam interrupts. “And he’s developing pressure sores again.” A deep judgmental scowl overshadows Blue’s tired features.

“Carruthers slacking again?” She asks. Adam nods. “Who let that asshat become a doctor? Actually, he would probably be better at his job if didn’t try so hard for Adam’s affections” Adam rolls his eyes.

“Not this again. You all are making up this crush. It’s not an actual thing.”

“Parrish, Carruthers is so far in the closet. So far that I’m positive his birth certificate says Narnia.” An uproarious laugh escapes Blue’s lips as Gansey’s head snaps in Ronan’s direction. He flounders for a second before quickly composing himself.

“Ronan, what would you actually know about C.S. Lewis? Have you even read the Chronicles of Narnia? Have you even read a novel?” _Of course, he has._ Adam wants to reply, but Ronan doesn’t know that in the recesses of the junk buried in his room Adam has found a small tattered collection of books such as Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, and Harry Potter. None of them would have pegged Ronan as a lover of reading, but Adam finds it a pleasant surprise. Ronan is casebook study in the unexpected.

“Fuck you.” Gansey frowns disapprovingly at Ronan’s response.

“Ronan. Language.”

“Sorry, dad.”

“Stop calling me dad.”

“Stop acting like one?”

Gansey huffs before he storms off to the kitchen. Blue turns a grumpy glare towards Ronan as she sighs and climbs out of bed.

“Great, now I actually have to deal with that.” Blue murmurs, too tired to actually sound sarcastic. She stumbles into the kitchen after Gansey. For a moment, the room falls silent. In the peace and quiet, Ronan’s light roving fingers almost put Adam to sleep. Adam smiles up at him.

“Hey.” He says softly.

“Hey.” Adam reaches up to gently trace the sharp inky hook on Ronan’s neck. Taking Adam’s hand in his, Ronan bows his head, lightly brushing his mouth across Adam’s knuckles. The simple gesture touches the depths of Adam’s belly and warms him from the inside out. There Ronan goes again, just giving away his affections freely to someone who probably doesn’t deserve it.

“Parrish, listen,” He starts.

“Yeah.”

“I’ve been wanting to talk to you about Christmas?” Adam raises an eyebrow in response. He thinks that he knows where this conversation is going because it was only a matter of time.

“I don’t know what your schedule looks like or if you already made plans to spend Christmas with Gansey and the one percent that is his ritzy upper crust family-”

“You do realize that you are also a part of that one percent too.”

“Don’t be an asshole, Parrish. I’m trying to do this properly.”

“Are you proposing to me?” Ronan’s eyes grow comically wide, and his cheeks redden darkly.

“Fuck you, Parrish.”

“On Gansey’s bed? I don’t think Gansey or Blue would like very much.” Ronan rolls his eyes before flicking Adam lightly between the eyebrows.

“I wanted to ask your opinion about…” He pauses for the briefest moment, and Adam doesn’t miss the way that he takes a shuddering breath.

“About spending Christmas the Barn. With me. And my family. And we could work around your schedule.” And there it is.

“Ronan, I…” Those words are enough for Ronan to put the pieces together. Ronan’s fingers stop drawing patterns in his hair. Adam doesn’t miss the way that his jaw tightens ever so subtly.

“I get it. I just wanted to ask. Dr. Parrish, saving the world and shit.” Adam frowns because, this time, Adam doesn’t like the way that Ronan calls him Dr. Parrish.

“But maybe we can do something when you get back from the Barn. Our own gift exchange. And I’ll call on Christmas day.” He says quickly, and it is the words that seem to work magic on Ronan as his fingers begin to wander once more.  Adam closes his eyes against Ronan’s ceaseless fingers, purring softly.

“Enjoying yourself there, Parrish.” Adam doesn't have to open his eyes to know that Ronan is smirking. He can feel it against the darkness.

“Fuck you, Lynch,”

“I thought we already had this conversation.” Adam’s lips split into a soft smile as an amiable laugh departs from his lips. The laughter grows cheerful and loud. Only when Ronan captures his lips with a gentle press does Adam’s laughter dies softly.

Ronan’s kisses are patches of sunlight that break through heavy curtains. Warm and lazy. They are forest fires. Furious and all-consuming. They are the feeling of coming home. The moment when longing leaves and that overwhelming and immeasurable sensation of joy fills you-

“Gross! You each have a bedroom here. Take this somewhere else!”

 

**_December 20th Afternoon_ **

Adam finds Henry leaning against the nurse’s stations, chatting it up with Blue and a gaggle of other nurses, holding _A Christmas Carol_ in his hand and donning one of those silly Santa hats that Adam refuses to wear.

“Ah, Parrish decides to grace us with his presences. You’ve been pretty scarce lately.” Henry calls out to him, a sly smirk on his lips.

“Hello, Henry. Blue.”

“Hey, Adam. Ignore Henry. He’s jealous that he doesn’t get all the cool assignment like you.”

“Seriously, you’re Dr. Milo’s right-hand man.” Adam can’t help but beam proudly at the statement.

“I’m literally just delivering a tox screen to him,” Adam says lamely, and despite that, he takes immense pride in the fact that Dr. Milo depends on him and appreciates Adam’s hard work. Adam gestures over to the book that Henry holds in his hands.

“How far along did you get?”

“The arrival of the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.”

“That is the third ghost, right?” Henry nods.

“This book is absolutely depressing. Tiny Tim is dying. Remind me why we are reading this to a coma patient.”

“It’s a Christmas classic, Adam! And the ending is so heart-warming! It’s a beautiful story that has been told by amazing people, like Jim Carey, the Muppets, the Flintstones-”

“There is a Flintstones special of the Christmas Carol?” Blue asks incredulously.

“Oh Blue, you wound me. I’m surrounded by uncultured swines.”

“Oh great and magnificent Henry, show us the error of our way.” Blue says dryly as she pretends to bow to Henry, which earns chuckles from both Henry and Adam.

“Do you guys have Christmas plans?” Henry asks, leaning further into the counter.

“Working all Christmas eve and Christmas day.” Both Henry and Blue cringe.

“Gansey and I are spending Christmas with his family. I’m one of the lucky few that is not schedule on Christmas. I’m taking Gloria’s New Years shift though just to have Christmas eve off. She thinks her fiance may propose New Years.” Blue answers.

“Nice. I’m working all of Christmas eve and the morning of Christmas, but at least I get the day and evening off. It’s like a Christmas miracle.” Henry says, and  Adam chuckles under his breath, earning questioning glances from both Henry and Blue.

“Sorry, just the term Christmas miracle. It’s a weird expression. “ He clarifies for his friends. The answer doesn’t satisfiy Henry, who raises a dark brow.

“You don’t believe in miracles?”

“I believe in things that can be explained. Both good things and terrible things happen. And sometimes great things happen to horrible people, and terrible things to good people. That’s a cold hard fact. Miracles are not.” A long and uncomfortable moment passes between the two, and Henry’s eyes are mysterious and undecipherable before he shrugs it off.

“You really are a Scrooge, Adam.” Just like that. Henry’s smirk returns back to him.

However, Henry’s smirk doesn’t stay long when Dr. Milo and Dr. Child, chief of medicine, round the corner, absorbed in an intense conversation. Adam catches snippets of what they conspire about.

_“Not getting any better-”_

_“I thought we were waiting-”_

_“Hospital can’t afford to support…there are people with insurance that can actually afford-”_

_“Just until his family-”_

_“It’s been seven years-”_

_“But-”_

_“Unless there are signs of improvement. Either he goes or you go. Take your pick.”_

Henry, Blue, and Adam exchange worried glances.

“Dr. Milo.” Adam races down the hall. “I have your tox screen for Mr. Chesterfield” Dr. Milo appears more crestfallen. Adam has a strong hunch as to why.

“Thank you, Parrish, I should probably talk to both Cheng and you.”

“And Carruthers?” Adam suggests. The other doctor gives him a measured look. An expression that tells Adam exactly how Dr. Milo feels about Tad as a doctor.  “Alright.”

Milo attempts to glance between the two of them with a feigned neutral, but his eyes appear too mournful.

“Conditions are looking worst for John Doe.” He sighs.

“He’s not retaining any fluids that we give him. And we can’t find anything in his tests to explain it. Child is suggesting that we let nature run its course.” Both Henry and Adam know what that means. Henry speaks out first.

“We can’t do that. Dr. Child can’t do that. We took an oath! Doesn’t that mean anything?”

“Henry, the longer you work here, the more you realize that money has a bigger influence in this hospital than the oath that you took. We’ll do what we can, but the prospects aren’t looking very good. “ Adam turns to Henry, who appears utterly defeated as he stares up at the ceiling listlessly.

“Henry--”

Adam watches as Henry reaches up, tugging off his Santa hat before disappearing down the hallway.

 

**_December 20th Evening_ **

His mood hasn’t improved much when he enters Ronan’s BMW later that evening. Sensing Adam’s terrible mood from the start, they drive home in deafening silence. It isn’t until they are parked outside of the apartment complex that Ronan decides to say something.

“Parrish--”

“Does it look like I’m the mood to talk about it right now?”

“I don’t know. I don’t read fucking minds.”

“I’m obviously upset about something, Ronan. So no. I don't want to talk.” Adam snaps. Ronan’s grip tightens on the wheel of the car for a beat before it goes slack. Like whatever frustration he feels at Adam in the moment complete evaporates.

“If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen. If you don’t, fucking fine by me.” Ronan gives him the choice, and at this moment, it’s too much for Adam. Sometimes, it takes the lightest of straws to break the camel’s back.

“Just stop!” Ronan looks up at Adam, shocked by the outburst. “Just stop it okay,”

“Stop what?”

“ The giving. The rides. The coffee. The hand kissing. The Christmas invitation. This. Everything. The constant giving! It just makes me feel so shitty. ” Ronan feels blindsided by this attack, evident by his flabbergasted expression.

“Is that what you think? You think I’m doing all of this shit to make you feel inadequate. Fuck Adam, it’s Christmas! And you’re my boyfriend, of course, I want to do nice shit for you all the time. I don’t understand what the fucking problem is.”

“The problem is that no one ever does anything to just be kind!” Adam shouts, and it feels like all the air in the car has been sucked out. And for a second, Adam wishes that he could reach out into the universe and take it all back. Every word. Adam waits for it. For something dark and ugly to rear out of Ronan and lash back at him.

No.

To Adam’s surprise, Ronan reaches out for him instead, gently taking his hands. Speechless and transfixed, Adam watches in amazement as Ronan spreads the palm of his hands flat and kisses each finger tip so lightly as if he is handling delicate glass. His lips are warm against his fingertips as he dedicates time to each finger. Adam is left dazed.

“I know we don't talk about your past. But I cannot imagine what you’ve endured where you think that you’re not deserving of kindness, Parrish.”

Adam is left alone in the BMW. This time, it feels as though Ronan has taken something from him. His ability to think properly, and without it, Adam is brimming and swirling with emotions. When Adam thinks about his own childhood, Ronan, and the dying John Doe at Cabeswater, he weeps.

 

**_December 24th Mid Morning_ **

While other staff members lumber around the hospital with the holiday’s slumps, Adam distracts himself with random tasks to keep his mind off of the “fight” that Ronan and he had. Such as now. Henry, determined to find a solution John Doe’s condition, recruits Adam to do research.

Each day that passes, John Doe’s condition worsens. It could be any day if they can’t find a diagnosis, and Adam is getting skeptical of their ability to find one in time. The prospect of grim news seems to revive something passionate in Henry, who vigorously throws himself into the books whenever he has time. Adam no longer catches him goofing about or flirting with nurses on his break, but studiously reading and researching in the lounge.  Adam can appreciate when he sees diligence and dedication, but it worries Adam the degree at which Henry wants to prove everyone at this hospital wrong. It worries Adam that Henry will be devastated by the news of John Doe’s death.

“Sup Cheng, Parrish. You’re looking a little gay today!” Tad Carruthers greets as he curves around the side of the table to sit next to Adam. At first, he lifts his hand to tussle Adam’s hair before he censors himself and goes for a friendly bro punch on the arm instead.

“Tad, “ Henry says dryly.

“Have you’ve taken a good look in the mirror lately?” The comment earns a few chuckles from a couple of gossiping nurses in the corner, but it goes completely over Tad’s head.

“This morning? But what does that have to do with anything?” He asks, to which Henry sighs deeply in response and turns back to his reading.

“Nothing, Tad. You’re so fortunate to be a beautiful specimen.” Tad shifts uncomfortably in his seat at Henry's comment before he leans over Adam’s shoulder to get a better look at what he is doing. Adam feels Tad’s breath on his neck and recoils slightly from him.

“What are you working on?” He takes the book that Adam has and flips through it casually.

“Tad, I was reading that!” Adam says as he leans into Tad to reach for his book, only to have it pulled out of reach at the last moment. Tad looks smug with himself, smirking. “Give my book. I don’t have time for this.”

“Well, what are you working on?” Apparently, Tad will not let this go unless Adam has a proper conversation with him.

“Henry and I are looking for a diagnosis for John Doe. Something to explain why-” Tad cuts him off and tosses the book across the room.

“You’re wasting your time on a hopeless case, Parrish.” Before Adam can open his mouth to chide Tad for a tactless comment, a book slams loudly behind him. Henry stands, his brown eyes blazing with something fierce and ardent.

“In case you haven’t noticed Tad, probably not because you're too busy being a waste of absolute space. It’s not a waste of time. It’s your responsibility to save lives and to make miracles happen. And if you’re not doing that, why the hell are you even a doctor in the first place?“ For the first time since meeting Henry three months ago, Adam sees Henry. Behind the jokes, the flirtation, and the smug smirks, there is someone who earnestly, wholeheartedly believes that he makes a difference in this world. That they all do. Tad, astonished by Henry outburst, fumbles over his words without a sufficient comeback.

“I should go.” Tad scampers out of the room with his tail between his legs, and Henry tiredly sinks back into his chair, resuming his reading. Adam walks over to retrieve his book that Tad has tossed across the room. The book lays haphazardly on the ground, and when Adam randomly flips the book open to find his place, his eyes land on two specific words. The sight of the words makes everything click into place.

“Henry!” The other doctor looks up at him curiously. Hopeful.

“How fast can we get John Doe an MRI?” A slow smile spreads along Henry’s lips.

 

**_December 25th  Late Afternoon_ **

_“Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them…His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him. He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us. And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!”_

Adam pauses for a moment before he shuts the book close, letting the final words sink deep into his core and warm him. He knows why Henry made him read this book. Once you know the story of Ebenezer Scrooge, you are never the same person as you once were after this novel. You are left forever changed. For the better.

There is no visible difference in John Doe’s appearance. He still looks as smudgy as ever. However, Adam is hopeful his vestige would grow healthier in the days to come. Adam takes this time to really look at the dark smudge on his cheekbone. Adam’s finger lightly traces the dark smudge.

“What happened to you?” Adam wonders out loud. Who left him in the woods, all alone, with his head caved in? Was anyone still looking for him at all? Adam likes to imagine what John Doe’s life was like before that night. Was he happy? Did he have a family that loved him? In most of Adam re-imaginings, he likes to think so.

“I’m sorry that I almost gave up on you.” Adam knows that it’s useless, that the body lying in front of him cannot talk back or absolve him of his wrong doings.

“Adam?” Adam turns to find Dr. Milo standing in the doorway.

“Merry Christmas, Dr. Milo.”

“Merry Christmas to you too. What are you doing in here?” Adam lifts the book in his hand to show Dr. Milo.

“Ah.” Dr. Milo smiles. “I should thank you. Without your brilliant thinking, we wouldn’t have been able to get him the help that he needed.” Adam shakes his head.

“Don’t thank me, Dr. Milo. If anything, it was a Christmas miracle.” Adam tells him. A Christmas miracle. And Tad Carruthers.

“How long are you here for Parrish?”

“Till tomorrow morning.”

“Well, go home.” Adam looks up at Dr. Milo with complete amazement as if he heard wrong.

“You heard me, Parrish. It’s Christmas. Go home.” Adam’s apartment is empty. Despite this knowledge, Adam knows what he has to do.

“But Dr-”

“Do you want to stay here?”

“No,” Adam says quickly. In fact, too quickly.

“Then go home!” Adam smiles and collects his things. He takes one final look at John Doe, his smile softening.

“Merry Christmas, John Doe.” He wishes before slipping out of the room. Though, if Adam would have stayed with John Doe a little longer, he would have witnessed the greatest Christmas miracle of all. Pale, thin-boned, and feeble fingers curling against the powder blue hospital blankets.

 

**_December 25th Evening_ **

It is late evening when Adam arrives at the Barn, and in an instant, Adam is engulfed with light and warmth despite the chilled winter temperature. When he steps out of the car, Ronan greets him, barefoot, on the Barn’s porch with his arms crossed and face neutral.

“I thought you were Gansey.” He says.

“I know.”

“How did you managed to convince him to let you borrow the Pig?”

“I’m the responsible one out of the two of us.” The corner of Ronan’s lip twitches in betrayal. It is the only hint that Adam gets that the joke amuses Ronan. A silence blankets over them, and Adam knows that Ronan will not be the first to break it.

“I screwed up, Ronan. I’m sorry.” He admits softly.

“My childhood…” His tongue feels as heavy as lead. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to have this conversation with Ronan yet.

“That doesn’t excuse what I said to you that night. This-” Adam gestures between Ronan and himself. “This is new for me. The giving? And it will take some getting use to.”

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened to you? Your childhood.” He asks as he stuffs his fist in the pockets of his jeans.

“One day.” Adam joins Ronan on the porch, and together they look out into the wide expanses of the Barns that seems to go on for miles.

“I would like to tell you one day.”’ It’s the truest thing that Adam has ever said to Ronan.

“I’ll listen when you’re ready, but I will…” Now, it is Ronan who falters. Adam can see him searching for the right words to say. “I’m never going to stop doing nice shit for you. I do it because…I l-…I care about you and shit.” Adam thinks he knows what Ronan actually wants to say, but he doesn’t press it, not yet. Somethings are worth waiting for. And though Ronan doesn’t say the words, Adam feels loved anyway. Something that he doesn’t think that he’s entirely deserving of. Love and kindness. And despite all of it, Ronan gives it to him anyways. Adam makes a silent promise to be a little more accepting of it.

In a moment of uncharacteristic impulsiveness, Adam presses Ronan against the Barn’s railing and kisses him. Senselessly, Fervidly. Ardently. Adam kisses Ronan like he’s the last drop of water in the desert, and Adam has been parched for so long. Ronan’s breath hitches softly as their lips caress each other, and their warm breaths mingle together. All of Adam's heavy and unsorted feelings. All of the unspoken words that are scattered and scrambled in his brain. Every emotion and word that refuses to form speech pour into Ronan’s warm mouth. When they are done, both are left flushed and breathless. Warmth and light fill Adam, and they buzz on his lips where he has kissed Ronan.

“Adam…” Ronan breathes.

“Yeah.”

“...Fuck…” Adam grins.

“Really Ronan, right now?”

“Don’t be a jackass right now. I just…what I’m trying to say is.” He pauses and draws a hand over his face. “I’m glad that you’re here.” He finishes lamely, and Adam smiles.

“Me too.”

“Would you like to come in?”

Adam takes Ronan’s hand in his own, giving it a gentle squeeze. He feels a squeeze back. Another small act of kindness that Ronan gives him.

“Ronan. “

“Yeah.”

“I care about you too.”

“You fucking dork, get in here before you freeze your balls off on Christmas.” Ronan laughs, and Adam laughs with him. They step out of the winter cold and into the warmth of the Barn.

That Christmas night, Adam thinks about his past. One that hasn’t been filled with a lot of kindness or miracles. He’s not sure when, but one day, he’ll tell Ronan. Everything. His story. The one that has lead him to Ronan. A true testament to the theory that kindness and miracles do exist in this world. They are real, and they are out there.

 

**Author's Note:**

> A gift for Chaoticsoda693 on Tumblr. Please enjoy!


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